People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. painted_lady Liquid Luck Settlers of Catan! It makes them feel safe. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. lets_be_honest I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. I think dad is being a bully. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Totally agree on the respect issue. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. Other times it means standing up for yourself and telling both sides what you think. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. Great suggestion! This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. Mother of a Fangirl. Im going to disagree here, Wendy, and say that I think your response is filtered through your own happy, loving experience. I hated sitting through long sports games. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! I love it. Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. Exactly! I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. So sad. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. What is this site, a Masters program? Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). I dont care if they actually do or not, hes the adult and shes the kid here, so he needs to act like it. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. Liquid Luck When I was a kid in middle school, I clammed up and didnt develop my relationship with my parents because they were critical of my interests. I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. FOR the past four months, my friend has been chasing a guy at college. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. Their only way out of that entrapment is to keep their partners owing them. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. Haha! Seriously, this guy is an asshole. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. bittergaymark July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. Is there a middle ground? I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. I can't even. I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 11:08 am. I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. Is there crap out there? And while there are many reasons why daughters might want their parents to split up, here are some of the most common ones: If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. I know I did. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. Maybe hes afraid that if she leaves then she wont return. A: There are two things to consider here. My plan is to lock mine in the basement and bribe her into going to a local college. I think this is a great point. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. No. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? You may not see the rewards right away. "If your family don't want to see both of you . I know you said you dont want to hear about counseling and your problem isnt communication, but really? bittergaymark (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. In the past, every day held exciting discoveries about the one whose ring you now wear on your finger. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. . You always give good advice (duh!) A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. bittergaymark My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) Sometimes those things just happen. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. She grabs every opportunity to be near him but won't actually tell him how she feels. Theyre a great way to get people who dont necessarily share a lot of common interests involved. July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. Dream! lets_be_honest Highlight their special talents and abilities. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. Yikes, I shouldve known better than to comment on a cult show Sorry! Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. honeybeenicki He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. Um, Im in my twenties and all my friends like these things. I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. Shes all the better for it. We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. he wants to teach her to drive. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. lets_be_honest Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. From one mom to another. LW, you and your husband are a team. Tom Pettys Southern Anthem was the first CD I ever owned. **Disclaimer, I am a HUGE fan of the Original Star Wars films and even buy toys from those films when I am depressed which means I have an ALARMINGLY large collection. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. And her ongoing view that this somehow makes her the better parent is definitely bordering on malicious, I got into I Love Lucy and Bewitched thanks to my mom!!
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